Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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