in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Someone came in the potted fern
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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