No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
