If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He passed out mid-signature
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
