Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
