Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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