I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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