I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
foreskin is a definite game changer
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
