I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
