Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
