just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
