I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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