my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize