The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
