At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We're too hungover to prance.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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