I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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