I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The adults are the big ones right?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
