I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize