as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
