You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
