they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
