so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
