My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize