Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
