I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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