i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
