Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
