how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize