I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
