glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
