I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
