Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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