he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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