apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
