Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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