As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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