Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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