I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
