Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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