i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
