I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
