one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
