Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
