It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
