Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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