I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
