he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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