I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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