my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
