Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize