dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
