dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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