Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
