just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
