it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
