Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
