I can text with my tongue
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So much rum. So many feels.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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