Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Your penis caused this!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
