dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize