So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
