at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
