you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I supernannyed him into submission
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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