i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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