i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize