the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
i need to put some appletini on your dick
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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