I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
