today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
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