i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
