I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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