im drinking this country out of the recession.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
