just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize