that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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