i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
